Eight Killer Tips On How To Go Insane

So, I was thinking about this the other day, and I realized that there are probably thousands of people slowly going crazy, and they're totally oblivious to the fact that there's a better way for them!

They can get to a state of total mental instability at lightning speed, and arrive at rock bottom much sooner than they expected if only they would follow a few simple guidelines. This post may not speak directly to writers, but there are lots of applicable concepts, and c'mon, aren't all the best writers crazy?




8. Always keep one eye fixed on your past

This is something that virtually anyone can put into practice immediately. Regardless of what your past actually is! All you have to do, is focus on how either

A. Things were much better before, and you will never be content until you're back to that former state of perfection.
or
B. Things were much worse before, and you should feel sorry for yourself over having been dealt such a terrible hand in life.

7. Keep your other eye fixed on the future

This one goes hand in hand with 8. When you're not thinking about your past, focus on the indeterminate future.  Will you be successful? Famous? Just as it was with the past, focus on whatever you don't have at the moment.

Is your life relatively calm and cheerful at the moment? How is that all going to crumble in the next few days?
Are things bleak right now? Focus on how unchangeable this is, and how hopeless your life has become.

6. Never ask for help

When life gets you down, you know what you gotta do? Just keep going it alone. Obviously there isn't anyone around you who wants to help, or would understand what you're going through. If you've got a lot on your plate, why would anyone be willing to lighten the load? It just makes no sense. You'll be much closer to your goal of total insanity if you just continue on as a lone ranger.

5. Take everything as an insult

Insane people know that no one has their best interest at heart, and that anything anyone says can be twisted into some kind of insult to you as a person.

"Hey Joe! Looking good today!"

Wow thanks, so basically you're saying that today's the exception and that every other day I look awful?

When you can think things like this on a regular basis, you'll be much more apt to spin into a cycle of annoyance and hatred for all human contact, resulting in solitude and madness. Perfect.


4. Never take time out for yourself

Do you find yourself with spare time? Well, we'll fix that with number 3, but for now, just know that relaxation and rest is not an option. Not if you want to go insane. You need to find some way to really be productive with this time that you've been given, so I would suggest trying to fill it with menial tasks that have already been done a few times that week. This could include but is not limited to taking out the trash, vaccuming, washing dishes, alphabetizing the DVD collection, and can even extend to the obsessive compulsive  spectrum if you so desire. Have you ever considered highlighting every 'F' in an encyclopedia? Or checking the deadbolts on all your doors again? If you're not obsessive compulsive, now is the perfect time to pick up this sort of habit.

Bottom line, always occupy your free time with things that distract, and keep your mind busy. We wouldn't want you to actual learn how to cope with the stresses of life now would we?

3. Make sure to have at least three instances of double booking per week

With this tip, you can often save yourself the trouble of having to fill up your free time with trivial acts, because you won't have any free time left over. In my personal experience, this one has led to the most satisfying results over a long period of time.

If you can manage it, triple booking is even better, because then you get to choose two people to disappoint on a regular basis. This leads to an overall negative atmosphere because you're pleasing less people than you're disappointing. This tip requires persistence, because you'll be tempted to just drop one of the double booked activities. But don't lose heart! The longer you stay in both of them without letting either know why you're bailing on them so often, the better the results will be.

This one really takes time. Let that guilt build up inside of you, and make sure to really think through all the pros and cons every time you have to decide between two or more things. Make the decision as agonizing as possible. Soon you'll feel so awful about yourself, and you'll be stretched in so many different directions that you'll be utterly useless even to the party you don't disappoint.

From there it's just a matter of time before you're completely run into the ground and stark raving mad.

2. Let guilt control your life

Why haven't you already thought of this? Do you realize how many people wish they had the information you're privy to right now? And you squander it! You're so selfish. Do you honestly believe you deserve to know any of these tips? Do you know what some people go through to get even ONE? And you're getting all eight for free! I'm not even charging you for them! You're practically stealing from me!

If you took any of these statements to heart, then you've already begun putting this tip into practice. Bravo! Just keep it up, or else I'll find you and commence a long drawn out lecture about how you've wasted so much potential as a crazy person.

Being crazy is very demanding. You need to constantly feed that whirlpool of emotions, and guilt is a great way to churn up the stomach and knocking your self esteem down a few notches.

1.  Stay the course, and ignore all warning signs

If you really want to go insane, this is the most important tip here. Under no circumstances can you allow someone to show you the detrimental effects of your behaviour. Since being insane will probably be the best thing that ever happened to you, it's obvious going to be something you pride yourself in, and you can't let some 'friend' take that away from you. Be strong! Don't let their foolish well-meaning gestures get to you!

Also, just remember that whenever you feel like you want to give up this journey, and go back to being sane, that's just crazy talk. No matter how bad this might get, just don't turn back. Never give up, never surrender!


These tips all served me very well while I was in High School, and at the beginning of my first year of University. They helped me to stay crazy for quite a long time, and I know that if you follow them, you'll be just as well-off as I was. Won't that be fun!?

What tips do you have on how to go insane?